Novaling

Man, I have to stop reading so I don’t continue a stream of tears in the middle of a lobby, but I felt every single word of that article in my bones.

I couldn’t ever imagine hanging myself or shooting myself, that shit sounds terrifying as hell. But for years now I’ve had those same exact “what if I just fell down the stairs and broke my neck” or “what if I got hit by a car and died on the site?” thoughts. And similarly, I think of how much of a hassle it’d be for my family, worrying about their wellbeing, my cats, the games and stories I’d never get to see, the places I want to go.

It’s hard. I went to therapy for a year and found it useful even if it didn’t do much or “fix” me, but I never admitted to her about these thoughts. I think the closest I got to it was talking about being tired often, and crying, but never just outright “I don’t want to wake up tomorrow.”